The 10 Commandments of The Internet

Alright people. I know the Internet is a hard thing to stay on top of, but I got you. Don’t be socially awkward and alienate your friends and colleges any longer. Take notes, start practicing and preaching the 10 Commandments of the Internet.

1. Thou shall always correct everyone’s spelling

It is your extreme duty to correct every and all typos that you see on everything anyone ever posts. This is especially required in casual private conversations. Great masses will come together to sing from the rooftops all of the injustices of society for any single typo that you do not correct. Always. Many times. The internet will stand strongly behind you when you tell someone how clearly wrong they are, because they have an extra o on too.  You spelling nazi you…. 

 

2. Thou shall point out any missing item in a group of things

   

“Why is there no dill pickle chips in your pictures of chips photo? This is a stupid picture because it doesn’t have it”.  When you notice a picture of a group of things, but one is missing, MAKE SURE YOU POINT OUT THE MISSING THING and therefore state the image is invalid. Even though the poster likely never said “This is all of X items ever in existence”…  Ignore that. Correct them! Make sure they know how wrong they are for leaving an item out anyway. This will make you more Right. Just like Rule 1.

 

3. Thou shall correct every possible factual error ever

God forbid you actually notice a real error! It is your duty to make sure they know the correct information, many times, preferably with links to Wikipedia. Also be sure to make reference to this error and how it was made many, many times in the future, at any possible chance presented to you. #Neverforget

 

4. Thou shall argue. Always.

If you can argue, do it. See a picture of a beach sunset? Argue about how they didn’t use the right filter, the heart ruins the image and that the beach is the cause of global warming. But mostly make sure they know how they should be ashamed of themselves. No matter what – It is wrong in some way. Usually many ways. Make sure they are aware of this. 

 

5. Thou shall think your part of the world is how the whole world works

The world is a big place.  What applies for humor in your part of the world,  may not be humorous to other parts of the world. I once posted a picture of a cow. In North America, a cow is food and those things on the side of the road. In other parts of the world, a cow is a special and sacred animal. Jokes about cows in that part of the world are not funny. Not at all. The Internet is a world wide place and it is very easy to post something you think is normal and offend half the planet. Completely ignore this fact and never consider the world view in any of your correspondence online. Your world view is all you know and is therefore the only right one. 

 

6.  Thou shall like cats

Everyone like cats on the internet, even those people who don’t like cats. You should constantly populate your streams with Cat pictures and Cat videos. Yes, there are a few people who really don’t like cats, but forget them! They just need more cat picture convincing. Most people online understand that cat’s importance in the intertubes.

 

7. Thou shall only interact with photos and videos

Is the post a wall of text with no image or video? Ignore it! Only interact with posts that have an image to see what they are talking about without reading.  Video requires a likely 3 minutes time investment. Faceybook has worked hard to make videos a larger part of your viewing time on their platform. Invest a few more seconds into short, abruptly cut videos with captions over top that are complete waste of time. If they have neither an Image or a video that actually requires sound… pretend you never saw the post and keep scrolling.

 

8. Thou shall never read the comments

Never read all the comments. Read what other people are saying? Bah. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Jump right in a repeat the same comment that has already been said hundreds of times. Probably right above the comment you just wrote. Your completely original and beautiful unique thoughts must be heard!

9. Thou shall only look at the pretty pictures

Again, Never read the post – Only look at the pictures. Then only comment on just the attached image they included to get more interaction. (see #7) If they post a picture of some flowers and the whole post is about the fast food healthy industry, Ignore that! Comment on the flowers only! Anywhere from 50-75% of the comments will talk about the flowers and say nothing about fast food anyway.

 

10.  Thou shall never research anything before typing

Even though the entire knowledge of the world is online, Never ever take a few moments to verify if something is true or not. Let your confirmation bias stand strong. If you do happen to be the 1% who does research – Make sure when you find links that don’t match your world view, immediately dismiss them as “fake news”. Keep scrolling until you find one that does match your beliefs and be sure to share only that one while typing in ALL CAPS LETTERS.

 

You now have all the tools you need to take over and rule. Go forth and spread the 10 Commandments of the Internet!